Muddled Meeting [Jenth/D'mas]

[Sparrow]

Kora got up from her desk and started pacing anxiously. She had called D'mas to meet her in a small office in the lower caverns rather than Nayarath's weyr, hopeful that not being in the Gold's presence would leave her more disinclined to take part in the conversation. It came at the risk that Nayarath would feel left out and have worse behavior, but at least she wasn't there. Anyways, when Nayarath was broody she was generally more willing to sit back and sulk quietly while her rider was working and complain when they were together.

Soot sat on the desk and watched Kora move back and forth. He had delivered the message to D'mas and returned to keep an eye on his keeper rather than heading out to play with Lilac and Squeak. She returned to the desk and scratched Soot's back. The steady little Tan was easily the most reliable of her draconics. Curious that his egg had been a gift from Y'xem.

He was the last person she needed to be thinking about though. Kora felt like a lot of things were going wrong now; past issues needed to be left sitting. Particularly on Kora's mind at the moment was the issue that had made her call D'mas in: rumors, Nayarath (always Nayarath), and, despite what she had just told herself, guilt over some recent history.

Spending months with D'mas, especially in comparison with L'han's short run as standing Weyrleader, had put little news in circulation in the lower caverns. Most of Kora's work had to do with the gossip-ridden caverns, and she rarely missed hearing one. No one had made up any romantic stories for her and the Weyrleader, or really expected anything of them past their call of duty. Now L'han was back in, and the caverns were once again riddled with stories. The general opinion seemed to be that L'han and Kora had always had 'something', D'mas had been in the way of it, and now he was back out of the way, and things were alright.

For Kora, it was quite the opposite. She wasn't particularly fond of L'han, and even if she had never managed romantic feelings for D'mas, she had liked him a lot and was extremely grateful for all his efforts and work. L'han seemed to have been the only one to notice this- as far as Kora could tell, not even D'mas was aware. The fear that he felt utterly thrown aside and used had been nagging at Kora for days. Feeling a desperate need to make sure things were set right, Kora had found a free moment and used it.

Now though, she was anxious. What if D'mas was mad at her and didn't come? She had hardly spoken to him since Nayarath's Flight; she had left him to understand that he was no longer Weyrleader and thus no longer a bedmate, and she doubted he was aware that L'han wasn't either. The rest of the Weyr wasn't. She had been unclear, and the guilt of what he might be thinking of her, the fear of what he might be telling people, had been eating away at her. She needed to get this fixed, but the possibility of D'mas not understanding her was a frightening one. There were very few people in the Weyr that Kora truly cared what they thought of her and felt the need to keep up their trust, because she knew she could rely on them, but D'mas was among them, and probably not even aware.

[Jenth]

"I think we're going to have to send away our 'Lizards, they keep trying to cheat for us."

D'mas and L'han were locked in the middle of a game of dragonpoker in the dinning hall, watched by humans and flitts alike. Despite being heavy rivals when it came to the title of Weyrleader and all things concerning it, the two were actually pretty good friends. They both had a lot in common and could manage to watch each others back. Keeping their duties and personal lives apart was impossible, they had long agreed on that since they were too intertwined. Still, neither could find anyone more loyal or trust worthy.

"Cheating?! Terror just tries to eat my cards!" L'han replied, waving his hand at the brown trying to sneak up from under the table. The brown gave a hiss and retreated back into the shadows. Both men laughed, it was good to show the Weyr that they could work together. They both knew what was said, dragons rarely managed to keep secrets, but often went in a round about way or 'you didn't need to know' of telling you.

"I'm still not used to seeing our faces on these cards..." D'mas held up his own card. Since Leader and second had switch places no one had seen the need to make new cards, thought sometimes people got confused who was supposed to be the higher card. D'mas had been the capable Weyrleader trying to bring the Weyr out of confusion. L'han had been the savior who had taken the lead when Y'xem deserted, not to mention the public favorite to Kora's heart. If only they knew the truth...

When Soot had arrived, trying to give the message to D'mas both men tried not to look grim. That it was for D'mas showed that it wasn't weyr business. "Don't keep her waiting, she's a busy woman." L'han said with a smile, collecting up the cards just to have Terror jump on his hands.

D'mas knocked on the door, polite as always waiting to be allowed entry. It had been a while since Kora wanted to see him, and he wouldn't let Kora know what L'han had told him. "You wanted to see me, Kora?"

[Sparrow]

Even with him having been warned by L'han to hurry, Kora was all nerves by the time D'mas arrived, and jumped at the knock on the door. Soot chittered, but bumped her hand, his own attempt to sooth her before she went to open the door. She gave the back of his head a passing scratch before hurrying to meet D'mas. "Yes, I... I hope I didn't interrupt anything. But this shouldn't take long." Weyrsecond was a busy job too. "Come in."

Once he was in and the door closed again, however, Kora wasn't sure how to begin. She sat down on the desk and tapped her fingers on her thighs until Soot moved under them, and then scratched his back for a moment before taking a deep breath.

"D'mas, I really just wanted to... make sure things were clear between us. Nayarath has a knack for making things confusing and I'm hardly the best at solving them but I... I'm sorry. I'm worried you feel just thrown aside, used, or... I don't really know. I don't know how things have been for you since Wuith won, and I'm sorry, I should have talked to you sooner. But I need to let you know that I really appreciate everything you've done, and I'm sorry if you ever felt like just an, ah, object of convenience for me, which you probably did. But I didn't mean for it.

"You really did some great things for the Weyr D'mas, and a lot for me too. I know I never really... opened up to you while you were Weyrleader, but I- it had been a long time since I'd been comfortable trusting men. But you're so reliable D'mas, and it's been a relief knowing that there's someone there. There were times that I..." she hesitated and Soot bumped her arm with his nose. Even if she wasn't going to keep talking, she could at least pet him more. Kora obliged the flitt and continued, "There were times that I would wake up in the night and it was such a relief to see you there, and know Kayth was there with Nayarath and she was happy, and I was too and could sleep again."

She hadn't slept with anyone after Y'xem left, until Nayarath's next Flight. Kora was not very sexually driven, but she had forgotten how good it felt to just have someone there for comfort, even if she never shared her feelings with that someone. Just knowing. "I've thrown that away again. I can't invite you back, not only would it just be clingy, odd, but I've heard..." Well, D'mas was a Bronzerider, and there was no shortage of women for them. "Well, I'm at the top of the gossip line. But... I don't know how much L'han tells you, I know you two are friends but..." Their relationship was likely as awkward a subject for him as it was for for her. She didn't really expect him to talk about it.

"I just feel guilty. It's a situation more controlled by the dragons than me, and I just have to live with the decision, but I don't think people realize that. I really wish Kayth could have won again. I felt so secure with you as Weyrleader, and I know L'han's capable too but we don't get along. So please don't think that I convinced Nayarath to let Wuith win, and that I didn't like you and just wanted you thrown aside. I didn't. I don't control how these things happen, but perhaps she was right, since I'm hardly worthy of you anyways. Thanks for everything you've done though, and for sticking around, and I'm sorry for how things worked out."

She was quiet again, crossed her legs and scratched Soot. "That's... that's all I wanted to say." It was a lot more than she had expected.

[Jenth]

D'mas remain standing, she hadn't requested him to sit but she had said it wouldn't be for long. Kora looked too... awkward to want it to. It made him feel uncomfortable, but what was there to be afraid of? Nothing would come of running away, there was no way to anyway. One of the cons of being a dragonrider, a bronzerider at that. You tended to stick out, and Nayarath would hunt him down.

He waited for the Weyrwoman to finish, and it was quite the speech. And as usual, while it was a some what personal subject she founded way to formal about it. It was hard to know how to feel about all of it, expecially when he had already intended to make his peace with it. Already he was turning his back on the past few months. A awkward silence was drawing out...

"But didn't you throw me away? When Kayth flew Nayarath, you bearly knew who I was or what I wanted to be. It wasnt hard to notice how you felt, it was hard not to get attached. We never would have been anything, that was your choice." It probably sounded harsher then he meant it to, but Kora needed to understand that despite how he felt, and an apology wasnt going to solve anything. No matter how she tried, it still sounded like she was making excuses for herself.

"How many more times will Nayarath mate? Will it always be the same?" D'mas wasn't interested in being Weyrleader again, and if it happened things would be very different. It wouldn't be long till everyone knew about him and Beka, and maybe even the tale behind why he chose her above any other. He was a bronzerider, but you would never hear of him beding every woman that bat her eyes at him.

"L'han is bearly pulling through if you hadn't realised. He puts on a brave front and he'll never admit it, he's been working harder then any of us to keep things together. You have no idea what your doing to him..."

[Sparrow]

"No." Kora wrung her hands. He was mad at her and he had very right to be, but she had been hoping that some magic would make him just immediately understand and forgive her. "I don't control Nayarath. I don't know how many times she will mate, and who will catch her, or any of those details. So I didn't want to get attached. I made that mistake and I forgot... I focused on keeping myself from getting hurt again. I was selfish. I hardly even thought about how that would affect you, but then Nayarath rose again and things changed and I caught on." She was always behind on that.

"I threw you away without meaning to. I didn't mean to treat you so badly while you were in, and I definitely didn't mean to leave you so long afterwards. I do a lot of work though, and I was- am- scared. I've messed things up. I'm not going to beg for you back, and if you never want to talk to me again then so be it, but I really want you to understand now. I'm not good at these things. I was trying my best to avoid either of us getting hurt, and did the opposite."

Blah blah blah, Nayarath put in, ever helpful.

Kora's face soured slightly, and it didn't help that she needed to get to D'mas' comment on L'han. "I'm sure I'm not aware of everything L'han does," she said. "But I'm very aware of his work, and I'm quite sure it's no more than mine, unless he's doing things he has no reason to be doing." She kept the Weyr fed and clothed and organized. She made sure firestone stores were always sufficient. Along with doing inventories, making sure all jobs and shifts of the jobs were covered and listening to the problems and worries of weyrfolk many riders probably didn't even know existed, she assisted in menial chores that, last she checked, every other rider, even Inolyn, junior Weyrwoman, felt out of place doing. Along with that, she regularly bathed a fifty-meter dragon. She kept track of Nayarath, and in turn, all the dragons of the Weyr, and did everything she could to keep her happy since her mood, once again, affected everyone. She spent weeks at the hatching grounds whenever Nayarath clutched, and helped with the other queens. Plus other chores, from the diplomatic to the domestic.

D'mas had it backwards when it came to work. The Weyrwoman's work was perhaps less obvious than leading Wings, but she had a sharding lot of it. More than any other rider seemed to care to realize. "She's busy," people always said, but with what? They hadn't a clue. But no one in the Weyr had more to do than the Weyrwoman.

"And in L'han's case," she continued, "I'm not entirely at fault." How many times had he gotten after her without her having any idea why?

"But I didn't call you in here to discuss L'han. I just wanted to... explain and try to make sure you don't... don't hate me. I'm not trying to get you back or anything, I just want an understanding." She swallowed. "If you feel that I'm at fault with L'han and that I need to work things out with him, bear with me now. I need to work this out first. I've been feeling like a half-cooked wherry since Nayarath's flight and it..." she stopped and shook her head. It didn't come easily to Kora to share her personal thoughts. When the person she spoke to was angry with her, it was even harder.

"It's funny," she said softly, very nearly lapsing into speaking only to herself, "I do this all the time. I listen to people and I help them. But I can't sit on this end. I'm sorry if I just wasted your time, D'mas. Now and then. It wasn't intended."

[Jenth]

Something cracked in D'mas, this was a side of Kora that he hadn't really seen. Did she have no idea of what she was saying about her Weyrleader? In frustration the bronzerider slammed his fist down on the table, it managing to clear his head enough to think.

"Is that what you think of him? Is that how little you think of what I did? Going above and beyond the call of duty is pointless?" His voice wasn't raised but was nearly as thick as venom, if she hadn't thought him mad before he definitely was now. She wasn't just looking down on L'han, but him too despite her drawn out speech of much good he had been when he had stood at her side.

A Weyrleader put his life on the front line every fall, the men and woman and the dragons they rode were his responsibility. A single mistake would cost them dearly, and he felt the blow hardest for every single one that didn't come back. Ensuring the training of every rider, dictating the punishment of lazy or troublesome riders, and maintaining the relations with the Holds and Crafts that fed and supplied them all. Weyrwoman and Weyrleader worked together, but it only seemed to make them miserable.

"When Y'xem left, L'han was the one who stepped up and stopped us from falling apart. How many lives could we have lost without someone leading Threadfall? How much land would have been lost to Thread borrowing? We already lost the north, how much more do we need to lose?

"Yes I understand, nothing personal, but understand I gave up on someone I loved just to support you in time of need. Thanks for letting me know I didn't need to make that sacrifice." Turning he strode out of the room, shutting the door behind him with no more then a soft thud

[Sparrow]

Kora jumped again when D'mas threw his fist down next to her, eyes widening and face paling. Faranth. "No, D'mas! That's not what I-" This was going entirely backwards. That was not what she had been talking about. When she said work, she had meant merely that. Chores, records. It was part of the Weyrsecond's job to take over if the Weyrleader couldn't lead; she did not call that going above the call of duty. L'han had been doing his job.

The life the Weyrleader put on the line at every Threadfall had not slipped her mind, but every rider put their life on the line. The Wingleaders were under the Weyrleader, but they still did a lot of leading, albeit in more refined amounts. It distracted them just as much, likely more since they had to look out for order, to keep track. But that wasn't what D'mas was thinking of and she didn't dare bring it up. Kora shook as he left the room. She wanted to cry, be alone, but she couldn't leave it like this.

Swearing softly, Kora rushed out of the office and grabbed D'mas' wrist. "D'mas, no." She was taller than him and didn't like it. She hated being tall. "D'mas... why didn't you tell me?" It was all going wrong. He misunderstood her, and now he had kept this secret from her. "I wouldn't have made you." It would have been so different. Better, probably. How had she messed everything up so badly?

[Jenth]

Now in the public eyes, the echoing kitchen corridors and the gossip hub of the Weyr, D'mas wasn't going to let himself lose control again. A practice perfected in his time as a leader and role model. Besides, he didn't feel the need to be angry anymore. He had said what he had needed to, and it made him more at peace with himself. That Kora had actually followed him seemed surprising, but should he have been? It was hard to tell sometimes with her, whether she was trying to be a weyrwoman or find out the whole truth he might never know.

Taking her hand again he lead her back into the room, there had more then likely been seen and the rumors would spread faster then borrowing Thread. Let them think what they want, the truth was far from it. L'han wouldn't let them hurt his hold on leader, who knew where he stood and knew his friend to be an honest man.

"What was there to tell? I was not long out of graduation, I was not in any relationship with her at the time, you seemed to need me more. I made that decision, rather then persue my own happiness I stayed with you." D'mas let Kora absorb the information. It hadn't been her fault but his when it came to the desicions he had made, but it probably made her feel worse about what she had done. Casting out the man that had supported her and shared her bed on the outcome of a flight...

"Beka and I will be fine, we have each other now..."

[Sparrow]

That she would be chasing D'mas out into public dawned on Kora a bit late, and her frantic run and grab would surely arouse some interest. She composed herself quickly, awkwardly, but by then D'mas was already headed back for the room and she could only follow him. Rumors about herself were nothing new at least, and she could deal with them later.

Kora was quiet for a long moment after D'mas spoke, gripping his hand so that he didn't try to leave again, although she doubted he would. It didn't make sense with what he had said just before bashing out of the room. First, he had given up someone he loved for her, and now it was nothing, they hadn't been in a relationship previously. She couldn't help but doubt his reasoning now, but once again, it only showed what an impressive person she had lost.

He could have said something. Kora didn't want to get in the way, and obviously she had. Even if this time around he said that there hadn't been much going on beforehand, he had said that he chose her over 'pursuing happiness'. What a mess. "I wish you would have said something," she said quietly. "But that's why I brought you here. I don't want to be afraid to talk to you, or vise versa. The whole time you were Weyrleader I hardly talked to L'han because I was scared, and I don't want to have the same problem with you."

She needed to reach that point with L'han too. Even with him back in position, she was scared to talk to him. They could always start off well, but it always ended wrong. But first things first.

[Jenth]

"And what if I had said something? How would you have felt for your Weyrleader to leave you for a green... well barred, rider? Wouldn't it have felt like Y'xem again?" D'mas let his words sink in, it didn't seem like Kora understood what he tried to do for her. Everything always seemed to go back to the Weyrleader that deserted them. Kora was left to pick up the broken pieces of her heart while L'han fought for the acceptance of Pern and his right to lead the Weyr as a tanrider till tradition chose a successor.

"I was mad once, but I learnt to get over that a long time ago. I fell for you once, but there was no room in your heart for me. Maybe you dont give others enough credit, but you don't always have to be 'the Weyrwoman'. You can actually be yourself sometimes." Time was starting to get on, and D'mas really felt like he should be getting back. He didn't want rumors to scare poor Beka either, who was fragile enough without anyone putting strange ideas into her head. Their relationship was still early days, and yet while slow and innocent they had all the time in the world now.

"We are, and have always been fine. L'han isn't scary, you two have more history then we ever did. Just think, the only woman who's ever really been in his life died, maybe murdered, not very long ago. How do you think he's feeling?"

[Sparrow]

Kora shook her head. "No. I cared about Y'xem, and I had thought he cared about me. It was an utter shock when he left. If you had told me you had someone else, it would have been fine. It's not the same as acting like you're in love with me and then disappearing." Not just 'not the same', but utterly, painfully different. "Instead I had to live with being scared that it would happen all over again, and holding back from you to avoid it. I know it was far from the best tactic."

It was all she had available at the time though. Kora had still been hurt and confused, and despite L'han's occasional attempts to help, had only ended up worse for the wear and was a mess when D'mas came in. The last thing she wanted was to fall in love with every man she slept with. She had managed that, but it had backfired. Obviously she had acted far colder to D'mas than she had realized.

"I wasn't doing all of that to be strictly business," Kora said, struggling to explain. "I just wanted to protect us." She hesitated. "Me." First L'han had thought she was in love with D'mas, and this whole time D'mas must have thought she was an uncaring brat. But he wasn't understanding her, and she didn't know what to do to fix that. She didn't dare anymore, and after this conversation the last thing she wanted to do was fix things with L'han. Obviously she wasn't capable.

Kora sighed and looked at D'mas unhappily. "I don't feel like we are. And don't try to guilt trip me about L'han and Shador. If you define the 'only woman in his life' as being the only woman thrilled to sleep with him, then you have a lot to realize about relationships. Because Shador was my friend. I know her. And that was all she was interested in." Shador did not become emotionally involved with men. No one who slept around that much did. "Trust me. L'han tried to avoid her."

Not well enough to suit Kora's tastes, but as the person he had usually gone to, she was well aware that he had. He had dodged away from Shador at Kelth's hatching feast, of all things, and Shador hadn't cared, and found someone else to keep her company. "I doubt he's feeling any worse than me, probably far better." But her feelings on the Shador situation were for another time. D'mas probably doubted she cared at all, but Kora wasn't going to bring that issue in. "I'm sorry you're not understanding me, D'mas. I should have made things clearer to you far earlier. But I think I've taken far too much of your time, and I have some weyrfolk to talk to now so this doesn't become an even bigger mess." She stepped by him and held the door open. "You're free to go."

[Jenth]

D'mas shook his head, surendering the thought that anything he said might get through to Kora. It was clear that her mind would not be changed, or if she did understand what he was trying to tell her then she wasnt going to accept it. Fine then, Kora was free to live as she pleased and by the sounds of it she was going to be very lonely.

L'han wasnt the sort to sleep around, and if Kora knew anything Shandor was the closest thing to a relationship he ever had since Impressing his tan Wuith. She would never ask but L'han might end up telling her. The chances of them talking on a private level was slim to none, the bronzerider sure that the Weyrwoman would never use L'han as she had him. If the Weyr knew, they would only feel sorry for their Weyrleader.

Dismissed, D'mas turned once again to leave the room. She was right though, they weren't fine. It could be a while before he thought of Kora as much more then just the Weyrwoman. "He ran away from her because she wasn't you. I'll tell him he's only wasting his time..."

[Sparrow]

Kora wanted nothing more than to head up to Nayarath's weyr and hide in the safety of her own space. Nayarath wanted her too; if there was something worse than her rider being unhappy, it was her being unhappy and away from her, even if it was only the short distance between her weyr and the lower caverns. But the same thing that had been getting in her way for Turns now had come up again: Kora had business to attend to, work to do, rumors to stop before they got started.

D'mas hadn't understood her, that much was very clear. He seemed under the impression that she hadn't understood him either, which she thought she did.

Men.

More stubborn than Golds, sometimes. There was a lump in Kora's throat, but Nayarath was the only one in the Weyr that got her jokes. D'mas' last words churning in her mind, Kora headed out to talk to the weyrfolk that had made a particular reaction when she had rushed out after D'mas earlier.

What was meant to be a private problem wasn't, and what was meant to not even be a problem anymore was worse. Kora could function perfectly fine as Weyrwoman, but obviously she was wasting her time when she tried to deal with relationships.