Peace of Mind

[Amejisuto]

Nixsha had spent most of the day in the Infirmary. One of the other Healers there had informed her that she needed to go eat - outside of the infirmary. She hadn't seen the outside of it in a very long time. It was interesting - seeing people when they weren't injured. Or when there wasn't a hatching going on. She hadn't been to a firelizard hatching in awhile - and didn't really feel the need to attend such an event.

The red-headed woman was in her healer garb still - albeit a fresher version then usual. She had entered the dining caverns with the intent of sitting down and enjoying a good meal. A good meal with people that she hadn't seen in awhile. She hadn't really seen the light of day either - to be completely honest. She took her seat - her evening meal before her.

She ate in silence, her fair was off hunting as usual. She happened to keep Cling with her this time. Klah, Numbweed, Fellis were all off with the Weyr's ever growing fair. She felt rather calm for a change. Even with the ever present minds of the dragons around her. She was healing and maturing more then she thought she could - and she was finding that she was almost ready to give up her dream of riding a dragon.

She never voiced it really - very few people knew what she really wanted now. The feeling of that loving bond that was between dragon and rider. Yes she had her firelizards, yes she loved them - but a Rider would tell you. The difference between a firelizards love - and a dragons - was vast. It wasn't that she was ungrateful - it was just she wished she could be of even more use to the Weyr. But what dragon would ever pick a woman as old as herself?

[Sparrow]

Kora was distracted, although that was nothing new as of late. It was autumn, harvest season, for one thing, and there were all the Weyr stocks to be taken into account as they figured out what was going to be needed for the coming winter. There was the recent hatching and it's female Bronzerider to worry about. There was Nayarath, of course. Nayarath was always a bother, albeit a lovable one.

With her mind wandering, she more or less drifted after Lilac as the Violet fire-lizard found a table for them to sit at. It wasn't until Soot landed huffily on Kora's shoulder that she noticed the one Lilac had picked was one suited for her tastes- one occupied by a Bronze, perfect material for a little flirting. It was also occupied by the Masterhealer, but Lilac had already landed and was making her hellos to the Bronze.

"You mind if I join you?" Kora looked at Nixsha and set her plate down, although she didn't sit herself. She would wait for a yes, even though it was awkward standing there towering over Nixsha, who went beyond just being 'short'. As if their height difference wasn't drastic enough when she was standing...

It's like me looking at a Green, Nayarath rumbled. I'm always worried I might accidentally sit on one and crush it when they're about.

Oh, I'm sure. Kora had no worries about crushing Nixsha, at least. She wasn't an enormous dragon and could keep track of where her bottom was.

I resent that.

You resent everything. But this really wasn't the place to be joking with Nayarath. Kora tried to focus on Nixsha.

[Amejisuto]

Nixsha noticed the arrival of a very particular violet. One that Cling had flirted with many a time on past occasions. Cling instantly went to attention - the bronze landing nearby the violet and rubbing his tail across hers. A gentle croon and a chirrup was his best response to the lovely violet. Oh how pretty she was! He would love to make her his. But he did not know when she would fly next - or if his human would leave the infirmary.

"I do not mind - Weyrwoman. You are always welcome to sit with me - or speak with me. If you so seek." The Masterhealer said in a rather tired voice. She closed off her mind - as she had been forcing herself too more and more. The voices of the dragons now droned down to a distinct buzz. She found that a small headache was forming - probably because she didn't have work to focus on to make her forget she was hearing them. She did her best to only use her talents if it was to help someone.

She didn't ever wanted to be called an eavesdropper as others had said sometimes. She motioned for the Weyrwoman to seat herself - and she returned to slowly eating her food. Finding herself more ravenous then she thought. Maybe her gross mistreatment in malnourishment is the reason the red-headed healer had never grown up.

[Sparrow]

Lilac chittered and bumped Cling to the side with her shoulder as Kora sat down. Soot glowered at the pair before grabbing a piece of meat for himself and starting on it- if there were comfort eaters among the draconics, the little Tan was one of them.

"I think it's Lilac that sought you out- or Cling, more likely- but thank you," Kora replied. A chat with Nixsha hadn't been on her mind at all, but fire-lizards did have a tendency to bring little things like that about. Perhaps there wouldn't be much talking though- Nixsha sounded tired, not that, in Kora's experience, that was anything new.

"You doing alright? I don't think I've seen you out of the infirmary in a while." That would be where a MasterHealer, especially of Nixsha's age, would be spending most of the their time, but Kora often got the feeling that she never left it. It was no wonder that Nixsha always seemed tired if that was the case.

[Amejisuto]

Nixsha shrugged just a little as she looked down at her food. The hunger abaded as she neared the end of her plate. But she was going to need another - she realized that as her stomach and her body ached for nourishment. She had been surviving on just meatrolls and k;ah for so long. She watched the exchange between Cling and Lilac - a small chuckle leaving her. She looked up as the Weyrwoman addressed her - a sad and weak smile overcoming her features.

"I'm not exactly alright. A long time ago - the hatching that our White came from... My cousin managed to make it known to quite a few people - that I happen to speak to and hear dragons. Because of this - I have had a few predicaments on my hands. I do my best to keep it in check - ourt of respect for our riders. But a few hatchings ago - I couldn't take the stress of the dragon voices. I haven't really left the Infirmary since then. Only attending hatchings as a healer and leaving as soon as they are done." She said as she found her mind opening up to the Weyrwoman, she had heard that the Weyrwoman was supposed to know every person in her home. so she could aid them properly.

"I am tired because I'm giving up - and accepting how things are. I have more then enough in my life - and I don't need added stressors."

[Sparrow]

"Oh I-" Yes, Kora was pretty-sure she had heard that somewhere. In passing, not too detailed, and she had been too busy to actually find out the truth of the rumor. Sometimes her memory seemed nearly as bad as Nayarath's. But... well, here she was, there was the information. "It's been a few hatchings? That's... quite a while."

It explained why she had hardly seen Nixsha as of late, and news of her had dropped almost completely off the radar. A Healer doing her work in the infirmary was hardly of interest to most. "I don't think staying cooped up would do anything good for you." Mentally or physically. The physical part would likely be easier to do though- just get out and walk around. It wasn't like even a Masterhealer always had to be working.

Kora felt very out of place stating those opinions to Nixsha though, and so didn't. She was a rider, not a therapist. "What do you mean- adding stressors? Just hearing the dragons?" Being a HAD was something Kora, and most everyone who wasn't one, really, knew next to nothing about. As far as she was concerned though, listening to or blocking the dragons both struck her as equally hard. But that wasn't what she thought Nixsha was talking about.

[Amejisuto]

"My work for the longest time is been a solace for me. The harder I work - the more my mind focuses on JUST my work. Because of this - I was able to turn the dragons voices to something to a dull ache in the back of my mine. I know that it's not healthy for me to be in the Infirmary constantly. But it's also not healthy for me to constantly be depressed." The woman said as she looked at her cup of juice. Just looked at the juice - the color and the way the light played across the liquid.

"You see a few hatchings ago, I had a break down in the infirmary. I cut all my hair off - broke down and had a fit. Because I can hear the dragons - because I can hear the love that bond. An echo in my mind. It makes my childhood cravings come to light again. I got into Healing for my parents - because they wanted me to. But when I got into it I really got into it. It's the only reason I am a MasterHealer at my age." She said this in as calm of a manner as she good. Slowly she took a drink. Unwinding on the Weyrwoman - it was something the woman was rather used to more then likely.

"As a child I dreamed of dragons. Now I am too old to even be considered for one. I just want to help the Weyr - but being out and about where I can't focus as easily on blocking out the voices... just causes the depression to increase. Regrets I cannot begin to fathom come to light. I am not ungrateful for what I have - it's just a craving I cannot satisfy. I want to know that bond from the perspective of dragon to rider. Instead of the echos I have gleaned. I love my firelizards - and it's very similar... but it's not the same. Someone who isn't a rider - or isn't like me - couldn't understand." She said this slowly and as precisely as she could - hoping the proper tones were presenting themselves.

"How would you feel if you lost your Gold? If that unconditional love was just... and echo in your mind."

[Sparrow]

"I don't think you would need to be constantly depressed- if you're hear dragons, you hear dragons, and I would think that... fighting it would cause a lot more problems. It's like if I, having Impressed Nayarath, still felt that I didn't deserve a Gold and made it a big issue where neither of us are ever happy. Why a dragon chooses who it chooses is just as much a mystery as why there are sometimes people who can hear all the dragons."

Kora fell silent again as Nixsha continued, although she wasn't sure she had hit the climax of her thought. Not that she had entirely come up with one either, so that was okay- to her, maybe not to Nixsha.

"You do look good with short hair," Kora pointed out with a weak smile. Maybe it was just a dragonrider bias, but she had no fondness for long hair, especially like Nixsha had had before.

Jealous.

No. Just no. If there was a way to get Nayarath to simply keep out of her thoughts and be quiet, Kora would have used it at the start of the conversation. She needed to be listening to Nixsha, not her irritating Gold.

"I didn't... know you ever wanted to be a rider." Would she have had the time? Kora found herself doubting it. It was hard to give up a Master rank, and she would have more or less needed to in order to raise a dragon. There was too much time invested in both jobs for one to attempt both.

Kora didn't reply to Nixsha's last question. She couldn't even imagine life without Nayarath. Their relationship wouldn't be an echo in her mind, it would be a vast, gaping hole. It wasn't something she could really bring herself to consider any further than that.

[Amejisuto]

Nixsha listened patiently to the Weyrwoman as she spoke to her. Her eyes closing as she tried to figure out a way to say this. She had been to Nyocia before many turns before - probably around the time that Kora herself had been a candidate. "I was a candidate once. For three hatchings I stood. But then the Healer craft called me back because of the constant need of them. I found out here - in this Weyr that I could hear dragons. I didn't tell anyone though." She said this lightly as she found her fingers lacing under her chin.

"I was young - and I was stupid. I was angry that I had stood three times and gotten no dragon. Yet I could hear all of them in my head. I thought that somethign was wrong with me - so I got myself away from dragons to try and keep my mind from remembering my failure. I returned to Nyocia - because it kept calling to me. Like an echo in my heart." She said as a wry smile crossed her features. For a little bit - she had been a candidate and a Healer. But because she had pushed herself so hard when she got back to healer hall - she was what she was. A twenty-two turn old MasterHealer.

"I know I couldn't handle the responsibilities of both - but the ache is still there. I hear the bond between dragon and rider. And I want it - badly. That unconditional love of a being that closely bonded to one being. For better or for worse." She said with a barking laugh. Well this was indeed helpful for the female.

[Sparrow]

It wasn't a story that made a lot of sense; Nixsha couldn't have stood at three hatchings at Nyocia. There had only been two previous to Nayarath's, and Kora knew that Nixsha hadn't been a Candidate at any of the current queens' hatchings. But the Healer was tired. Kora would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she had just gotten her memories a little mixed up. Better she didn't talk, it didn't seem like Nixsha was wanting to actually listen to her, just... talk herself.

Before Nyocia dragons had lived more or less in Holds, and still not all dragons were at Nyocia. It would have been hard for Nixsha to avoid them- ever.

Kora really wasn't sure what to say now. Telling her to just buck up and get over it was what came to mind, but how could she say that? If a person never Impressed a dragon, then that was that. Nixsha had been to masses of hatchings, most not as a Candidate, but that made less difference. If the right person was there somewhere, they went to it. It couldn't be helped. They couldn't force an Impression; even if they could, it would probably end up a bad experience for dragon and rider.

Obviously the hatchlings know better than to Impress someone with a different calling, Nayarath commented dryly. Kora didn't argue- that was, possibly, true.

"It's really not something that can be helped," Kora said finally. "Nayarath just said- I don't know if you... well, you need to keep in mind that not Impressing isn't failing. It's up to the dragons, not us. Doing something different in your past most likely would not get you a dragon today. Look at yourself. You're a Masterhealer, and you're hardly older than I am. You're a prodigy and a hero to lots of people, as well as an adversary inspiring people to work harder because they want to be like you.

"And yet, as far as I can tell, you're throwing your life away because you never Impressed a dragon. You're put under a lot of stress about it due to your ability, but I honestly think that if you would simply stop fighting it things would probably be easier. Instead of aching to feel that bond, just make use of the fact that you can hear and talk to them and befriend them. It seems to me that you've been keeping yourself from any contact, any friends, and so of course you're longing for contact, though maybe not the sort you've got yourself thinking of.

"There are different sources of love out there than dragons. Fire-lizards are one, and I'm sorry for your fair since they obviously haven't satisfied you. Friends are another- simply someone you can trust and depend on, which is all the relationship with a dragon is, without the mental link. I think you would do well to get out a bit more and make a few, and there's no lack of potential for them here. Just because you didn't get one thing you want doesn't mean you have to lack any of the things you need."

Well, there was her soapbox.

[Amejisuto]

Nixsha listened to the Weyrwoman - her advice was some that no one had really given her before with the exception of someone yelling at her. She was right - she really was being selfish. Perhaps she should just... let go. It was an odd sensation - letting her barriers down. Her eyes closed as her head tilted back. Her body shivering for a moment as she felt the rush of thoughts. Any thoughts dragons were having - that weren't strictly towards their bonded and bonded alone. That private link she couldn't hear. But she could hear the ambient natural thoughts of dragons.

The conversations they had with each other. Though the ache for that love was there - she felt it ebbing as she felt the chorus of voices rush through her. It was headache for only a moment. Like drinking too much Klah and then stopping quickly and suddenly. This also meant her mind was open to any dragons that just sensed her mind as something they could easily touch and speak to. "Perhaps you're very right. It feels different then before. You're words effect me differently then others. But perhaps you have always been a very wise woman. And maybe your dragon may have been right - though I didn't hear what she said." She said as she looked up at the Weyrwoman.

"I don't listen in to the private conversations of Riders and Dragons - out of respect. Though any natural and open thoughts they have when talking to each other - I hear. I suppose - I should just go for what I have - and you're very right. I'm in the Infirmary too much. People have firelizards - and one of mine can always be in there in case I am absolutely needed. I need a break from there - I've pushed so hard on myself my whole life with my work." She stopped and just looked towards Cling now - his eyes swirling with the attraction to the violet of which he was still flirting with - and then his eyes swung towards her as he chirruped. Rubbing his head against her hand. He understood completely - and he and the rest of her fair still loved her nonetheless.

"I'm a MasterHealer - bonded to several firelizards. I should damn well be happy with what I have. You managed to get me to understand and feel differently about the situation - easier then others would have. I thank you and Nayarath..."

[Sparrow]

Kora didn't mind Nixsha not hearing to personal conversations- she doubted they could make much sense to the Healer, considering that she would only get one side of the conversation. She wouldn't back down from her opinion that blocking their general conversations wouldn’t do her any good, but... well, Nixsha was listening to her. Kora didn't need to continue arguing that point.

You're welcome, Nayarath rumbled after Nixsha finished, always happy to be acknowledged. Kora smiled, relieved and grateful herself. That could have gone differently.

“Well, I hope to see you around more often then.” Kora glanced at Lilac, who had trotted after Cling towards Nixsha, although the little Violet didn’t reach out to touch her like the Bronze had. Instead she sat, rather impatiently waiting for the return of his attention. “And it looks like Lilac wouldn’t mind seeing a little more of Cling either.”

Soot didn’t look like he agreed and continued to grumpily eat. Kora reached for a roll herself- best she got some eating in before her plate was empty.